I am back for a bit

I am back for a bit.  My Mom's memorial is at the end of the month but it was good to be with my Dad for the week after her death.  I, the Tall Short Person, Koda Bear, and Blue were also there for my Dad's birthday which I think was a good thing.  Not that we did anything very special.

My siblings and I did an interesting style of overlap.  My sister and her family left the night I got in after she was there for my Mom's death and the days after.  My brother got in on the day after Christmas with his family so he could start helping with the arrangements.  Weather got in the way for him being there on Christmas.  I got there Saturday after and stayed until January 2.  I cleaned out things.

My Dad was ready for the house to feel more normal.  My Mom had not been sick long but there was medical gear and people since November in the house.  Hospice took the big stuff back and we found someone one who could use the unopened medical supplies.

It may seem fast for some people, but he did not wish to do her clothes.  He would have but becasue I was there I cleaned out two closets and two dressers full of clothes and shoes.  There were also two coat closets.  He asked me to basically go through every guest room drawer and shelf in the house.  Other family members had problems with the wrapping closet (also known as the Christmas closet) so I did not touch that.  They can.  My Mom had a whole walk in closet for wrapping presents.  It is where the Christmas tree is, broken down but not boxed.  The day I was getting ready to leave, he was pulling things he would never eat out of the kitchen cupboards so I helped there.  

I did go through every picture I could find in the house.  There is a want for a picture display/presentation at Mom's memorial.  My baby book got eaten by termites or destroyed in a hurricane.  Or both.  It was nice to see some of my baby pictures.  I was a very serious thing even when I was small.

If anyone asks me how I am, I am okay but I have also not had a chance to stop.  I am used to being in my parents house without my Mom around so it was almost like she was on a trip.  Or in their bedroom reading.  Or in her office working.  There is a lot of quiet in my parents house unless grandchildren and great grandchildren are around.  After driving back, there is just life to take care of here.

I am needing quiet.  But that is not my life currently.  I am considering doing more short camping trips.  Just because I can.  And I want to go to Santa Fe to see the Georgia O'Keefe museum.  I am to try to do that this spring but it will depend on how the sharpening business goes and how flexible it is.  There will be more traveling to see my Dad.  More phone calls.  There will be changes just because.  

to all, joy and peace

Merry Christmas.  I wish joy and peace to all.  And all the wishes of a new year filled with joy and peace.

I know I have not been in this space most of this month.  It has been mad.  I have been helping the boyos of Serenity Knives, trying to do my own work, taking care of small humans, and trying to be there for my Mom and Dad.

My Mom went into the hospital last week.  She was reacting badly to the chemo and decided to go into hospice care and come home.  She died Christmas Eve morning.

Both her and my Dad kept telling me not to come until after Christmas.  I abided to her wishes but talked to her everyday until she was not talking.  I was told she was peaceful and comfortable when she passed.

I will be traveling to see my Dad starting tomorrow.  With the small humans and the Tall Short Person.  Even though all I wish is quiet.  I could drive across country in quiet right now.  I will probably not be writing until the the new year.  Or, who knows.  I have missed this space.  I have just not figured out how to be here when life gets that mad!  But I may have figured out how to post from my phone.  

I keep getting asked how I am doing.  I am sad.  It comes in waves.  I do not seem to grieve in a way that is expected.  Expectations are due to society and family baggage.  I think we need to be okay with everyone grieves and celebrates differently.  But I find different is hard in our society.  Unique is hard.  I have been the black sheep for many years within my family, then not so much, then put back there during my Mom's short illness.  I kept telling my Mom I would do what she needed.  And wanted.  But she had to tell me.  She did.  That did not settle with other family members.  When did listening become such a bad choice?

Lots of babble and thoughts on this page.  Expect more as I watch people around me react.  I also have a harder time typing on my phone then the computer so please pardon any errors I do not catch.

not sleeping

I have not been sleeping well.  The hours between 3 and 5 AM are the hardest for me to sleep currently and I do not know why.  I have a thought it is when my body is most uncomfortable in bed.  If I can shift it to 1 to 3 AM, I do feel more rested the next day.  Not today though.

Many times, when I wake I move to my rocking chair.  I pick up some crocheting and work on it until I feel like sleep may be a possibility.  Sleep may not happen but it does mean I have just not laid there for hours.  And work has gotten done.  This time of year it is normally a present.  Actually, that can be year round.

I keep thinking I should pick up some hand sewing but I am not sure I am that coordinated in the middle of the night.  A crochet hook is a much better option.  I have had to take out a few mistakes.  It is a bit frustrating but it is what it is.  

This gift is down to the last skein.  I will take a picture of it soon and then it will be sent off.  It is really not a Christmas present but it is a request from my Dad.  My Mom has her own chair now too.  I can see me being requested to make something similar for her.  It just takes time.

balance

Balance has been hard to find.  

My Mom having cancer has been interesting.  The biggest hurdles we are facing currently is that the team of doctors she is working with are having a difficult time coming up with the origin of the cancer.  The big deal about that is different cancers have different treatments and respond better to some treatments then others.  It causes stress.  

I have told my Mom I am there for what she needs.  She asks and I will try to make it happen.  I am trying to keep my emotions out of it because it is not about me.  It is about my Mom.  But I will say that it is interesting how old patterns that I thought were broken come to the fore.

Part of finding balance for me is trying to continue doing what I do.  I find Mondays I work on my mending pile.  There were four pairs of pants that needed to be mended in that pile this week.  Yes, I am being cheap but I am also quietly stitching.  Like spinning, it can be a place of meditation.  And I am being productive.

The creative is interesting right now.  I am being pulled in a couple different directions.  My creative with textiles and fiber and creative for the boyos knife making business.  Some of that is still textiles and fiber because I am working on chef rolls.  Some of it is working in wood.  I now get asked questions every time a wood question comes up.

The sharpening truck may be taking a different path.  I am putting it on hold currently.  And it is a good thing because it is cold outside.  There are not usually freezes this time of year but we are under a freeze warning for tonight.  

I will just keep moving forward.

Doctor Strange

Two prom dresses, thread and buttons from the thrift store, and a cape was created.  It was just a lot of long seams because I used the hems from the dresses.  It does not have all the detail from the Doctor Strange Cloak of Levitation like the movie but this made Koda Bear so happy!

You cannot really tell he has his vest on under this but it is his whole costume.  He wore it all day on Halloween and all weekend at the Renaissance fair the weekend before.  I think I did wll.  Now, it is time to start thinking about his birthday presents.  Life does not stop.

Along those lines, I am back from the mountain.  Which I never got to.  I spent the week in doctor exam rooms, the ER, and imaging rooms.  My Mom started two weeks ago with what was thought to be just a horribly bad UTI.  There was a horribly bad UTI that was actually due to cancer.  She has pleomorphic carcinoma of probably the liver.  There is more then the liver involved which means it is Stage 4.  Also, that probably.  It could also be the kidney or pancreas.  But it is rare.  If you chose to google it, that type of cancer is normally related to the lung.  And it is rare for the lung.

Last week was trying to help her heal from the UTI.  She is very weak and everyone is so focused on the cancer word that they forget how bad it truly was.  There were a lot of doctors' appointments and almost another hospitalization.  If Dr. Matt had had his way, when we went to ER for the MRI he would have kept her.  Her blood sodium levels were off and she could have done with another transfusion.  But she did not wish to be there. 

Healing is about more then just what the doctors can fix.  It is being comfortable.  Being able to eat and rest.

The things that are most frustrating are the people dynamics.  I am there for my Mom.  What she needs, I will make happen.  I will facilitate what her doctors wish her to do to make her well.  It is not about me.  But because my Mom is such a center in her family and her community, it is interesting to see how scared people are making it about them.  Because if something happens to her, they will not know who to lean on.  There is a lot of power and control dynamics going on.  I find those people who are in the power and control game, are not even recognizing that my Dad has a role.  I do not wish to be watching this.  It is a bit fascinating.

I did have a friend tell me I need to take care of myself because I am such a caretaker.  Yes, he is right.  Last week, I made sure there was good food for everyone.  It was interesting how so many of those close to my Mom needed her attention but really did not let her rest or take care of her.  She was still supposed to take care of them.  Those people are still playing those games.  I get beautiful pictures of my Mom's Christmas cactus.  I can tell them, I win.  My Mom is feeling better even though there is a very long path forward.